


A New Star

by AstridMyrna



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fainting, Light Bondage, Light Smut, Postpartum Depression, Pregnancy, Premature Birth, The Force Is Forgiving, Unplanned Pregnancy, Vaginal Fingering
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-13
Updated: 2018-03-20
Packaged: 2018-12-14 22:55:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11793201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AstridMyrna/pseuds/AstridMyrna
Summary: Jyn learns too little, too late that she was six months pregnant with Cassian's child when she gives birth on Echo Base. Both she and Cassian struggle with the daunting responsibilities ahead of them and the possibility that the premature infant might not survive long at the rebel headquarters.





	1. Chapter 1

Captain Cassian Andor and Sergeant Jyn Erso had been stationed at Echo Base for only a week when their lives were turned completely upside down.

Jyn said nothing when she woke up in her cot from some mild cramps. She checked and groaned at the rust-colored blood in her underwear. After inserting a menstrual cup and taking a pain reliever, she was ready for whatever work had to be done that day. A couple of hours passed before she had to take another one. By the time she was in a conference with Cassian and General Organa, she was rubbing her bloated, aching abdomen and not caring who stared. General Organa, however, stopped the meeting and pulled Jyn aside.

“I need you to go to medical bay immediately, Sergeant,” General Organa ordered in a low voice, but there was concern in her eyes. “Are you pregnant?”

“Pregnant?” Jyn said, and her eyes locked with Cassian’s and her mind replayed the hushed moments in secret places they found together, hungering for each other’s heart after so many years of loneliness—but that couldn't be it. She had never been regular in the first place and the stress of the war only made it worse, so of course it made sense that she wouldn't have her period in...months.

“Breathe, sergeant,” said General Organa as she rubbed her back in quick strokes. “C-3PO, I need you to escort Sergeant Erso to the medical bay.”

“Right away, princess,” said the chipper gold-plated droid. “Follow me, Sergeant Erso.”

Jyn couldn’t stand up because she felt something wet soak through her underpants, despite the menstrual cup in her. C-3PO repeated his invitation, General Organa gently pushed her shoulder to get her to stand up, and Cassian made his way through the crowd of officers towards her. Jyn pressed her fingers hard against the damp fabric around her crotch and stared at the bright red blood printed on her fingertips.

***

Jyn knew she had passed out sometime during the escort to medical bay when she woke up in the overly lit white room. She wasn’t in one of the communal rooms overstuffed with cots, but a private room with an adjustable bed. She put a hand over her sensitive but flatter stomach. She sucked in her lips and squeezed her eyes shut to stop the oncoming tears, but it was useless.

 _It’s better this way_. _Better to have lost it without barely even knowing it,_ she thought as she wiped her hot tears away. She probably would have aborted it if she had known soon earlier, anyway. There was no way she could be a mother to it, and it seemed cruel to give birth to a child only to give it away to many of the galaxy’s overstuffed orphanages. In the end, it wouldn't have mattered what choice she made because it would always be the wrong one.

“I see that we’re awake,” said a nurse as he stepped in with a datapad. “It was a bit touch and go there for a moment. Are you hungry, thirsty?”

“Thirsty,” she managed to say.

He left and in a wink returned with a tray with a cup, pitcher of water, and a box of juice. He hooked it over her lap and poured her a glass of water. Once she had taken a few sips of cool water, she was ready for the nurse to tell her the news she had been expecting.

“Sergeant Erso, how long were you aware that you were pregnant?”

“Just before I came to the medical bay.”

He bent his brow but kept his tone friendly. “Do you know when your last period was?”

“No.”

He made a few swiping motions over the datapad. “Well, after doing some tests we estimated that you were pregnant for about twenty four to twenty five weeks."

She fought down the wave of nausea that slammed up her throat. 

“That can’t be possible. How could I be six months pregnant and not know?”

“Different women experience pregnancy in different ways, and you may not have experienced a lot of symptoms normally attributed with pregnancy. Stress and misreading symptoms may have been a factor in your not knowing as well," He paused for a moment to finish writing something down before flicking through the pad again. "Luckily, you and Baby Erso are recovering well."

"Recovering?" Jyn said with numb lips. "You mean I didn't miscarry?"

The nurse offered her a real smile. "She was born at 16:44, weighed one pound and four ounces, and 12 inches long."

"Where is she?" she said faintly, the numbness spreading from her face to her shoulders and back.

The nurse put a hand on her shoulder as if that would comfort her. "She's currently in the intensive care unit. It took some creative modifications, but we're keeping her in an incubator, and she's currently on a breathing machine and a feeding tube. Once we've--it's all right, Sergeant Erso. She's proving to be quite a little fighter."

Jyn had stopped listening to everything except her own ragged breathing that echoed in the room that breathed with her. The nurse was rubbing her back now and she wished he would leave so she could shed her tears alone. The tears came anyway.


	2. Chapter 2

Cassian pressed his fingers over the top of the transparent incubator, the closest he could be with his child. His child. The boiled pink alien couched in plain white blankets and buried under a web of tubes and cords was _his_ child. The breathing mask taped down with brown tape and white skull cap hid most of her face. Her body flinched and she raised her arm that was as thick as his pinkie finger.  Her hand curled in a tight fist that didn’t even make a dent in her blanket when she flung it to her side, but it made him smile.

She was his child.

He rubbed his thumb against the thick glass that kept the warmth and moisture in the incubator. The thrown together NICU in one of the private rooms was warmer than the rest of the medical bay, but the doctor had explained to him that she needed extra warmth and humidity of the incubator or else her skin would dry out. His eyes followed the paths of the cords that connected to the screens that monitored her heart rate, her nutrient intake, her breathing—his mind still flooded with information that the doctor had told him about how each machine kept her alive. A nurse or medical droid had to always be in the room with her, because even with all of the equipment and the expertise at her disposal, something could go wrong and she could die in an instant. He had lived most of his life uncertain if he would live to see another day, but this was something else entirely.

The doctor turned away from the screens and joined him at the incubator. “We’ll see what her progress is in a few days, and then you should be able to touch her.”

“I’m afraid I’d break her,” he muttered before swallowing down the hot and salty lump in his throat.

“We needn’t rush anything, but if you come and visit everyday that can help you feel more comfortable around her. Once you’re comfortable, then you’ll feel more confident with handling her.” She tapped her pen against her chin. “You can talk to her too.”

“She can hear us?”

They were interrupted by the baby’s squeak as she raised her arm again, only this time her hand splayed out over her cap. The doctor went to the screens, and Cassian was alone with her again. Her temporary name was Baby Erso-Andor (the Andor added just as soon as it was confirmed that he was the father). He and Jyn would have to come up with a permanent name, eventually. Once Jyn had woken up after her medical sedation, once their daughter could start breathing on her own, once--

Three taps on the door broke his thoughts. He turned and glared at K-2SO, who was peeking through the single window slit in the door.

"Can I see the baby now, Cassian? You've been staring at her for forty-three minutes and you promised me I could see her."

Cassian sighed and turned to the doctor. "Can he?"

She frowned, but nodded. "Make sure he doesn't touch anything."

The lunking battle droid thanked him when Cassian opened the door, but he held up a finger to stop K-2SO.

"No mention of statistics or percentages or odds, is that clear?" Cassian said.

"But--" 

"No. You say just _one_ number and I'm kicking you out."

"Oh, all right. I won't say anything. I'll keep it to myself."

"And don't touch anything," said the doctor.

"Heavens, you may as well tell me not to  _breathe_. Oh wait, I don't need to."

Cassian gritted his teeth and returned to the incubator with K-2SO by his side. The bright white bulbs of the security droid's oculars swiveled all around before finally stopping to turn to Cassian.

"I don't see the resemblance."

"You can't even see her face."

"Maybe you can't, Cassian, but I certainly can," K-2 said with a smug flourish. 

For a moment, Cassian felt a twinge of jealousy towards the droid. Shortly after another nurse rushed in to tell Cassian that Jyn had finally woken up and was asking for him. All three crossed through the busy medical bay to another private room, where once more only Cassian was allowed inside and a grumbling K-2SO had to stay outside.

This new nurse pulled Cassian aside, however, and spoke to him low and quick, "Sergeant Erso is in a very fragile state right now. She previously had no knowledge of her pregnancy until labor, and she thought she had miscarried until about a half hour ago."

"All right," Cassian said, feeling his heart leap up in his throat for the second time that day.

"When you speak to her, you must refrain from any and all judgement. We're letting you go in alone, but should you feel that you need help keeping her calm, there is a call button on the side of her bed."

Cassian bit his tongue and nodded. He was finally let into Jyn's tiny room, the door sealing behind him, preserving a little quiet inside. Jyn didn't even look at him. She stared at the cup of juice on her bed tray with glassy eyes, her face stiff and splotched red. He pulled up a chair next to her, his hands folded in his lap to resist touching her. 

“I didn’t know. I swear I didn’t know. I would have told you the moment I knew,” she whispered.

“I know, Jyn. I believe you,” he murmured.

She turned her unblinking gaze on him, as if she could puzzle out what he really thought. The truth was he believed her because there was no time to doubt her with their brand new infant in an incubator just a few yards away. They needed to plan for a future he never thought they would have lived long enough to have. He reached out and wiped back the wisps of hair that clung to her face. 

"I believe you," he repeated firmly. "How are you feeling?"

"Tired, mostly. The bacta patch has already healed most of where I was cut. I'll probably sleep here for another night before I can leave, but I have to come back here several times a day so I can be milked like a bantha. How are you? Did you get any sleep?"

"No. I wanted to make sure everyone was all right first."

Jyn caught his hand and pressed it against her hot cheek. 

"Did you see her?" she asked.

Cassian inhaled a deep, shuddering breath. He could see his daughter so clearly in his mind but couldn't find the words to describe seeing her hooked up to all of those machines. Jyn pulled him to her, wiping away tears he didn't realize he had shed. He kissed the side of her head, then her cheek, and finally her mouth.

"I wish I was with you," she said.

"We can see her tomorrow, together," he said and kissed her forehead.

"I'd like that."

They embraced each other in silence until the door slid open and the nurse entered with a pumping machine that looked like a miniaturized version of the pumps used to milk banthas. Cassian asked if he could stay, but Jyn reminded him that he needed to sleep. When he stood up and he felt the floor sway beneath his feet, he remembered that he had been awake for almost thirty hours.

K-2SO escorted him back to his quarters, and he nearly missed the cot when he passed out cold.

 


	3. Chapter 3

_Three years earlier_

Waiting for the blinding white death to come for them was agony.

Cassian enveloped Jyn in his arms, his hand massaging her back before rolling into a gentle clasp at the back of her neck. She clung to his neck and pressed him against her whole trembling body, watery eyes wide open and watching their unfurling doom. If Cassian was going to comfort her, the least she could do for him was witness their end. 

All at once, death came.

 

 

 

 

 

Jyn woke up to the smell of burning hair and metal, the sight of a greasy yellow sky, the taste of clotted blood. There was no sound.

 

 

 

Jyn woke up to the smell of pineapples, the taste of pineapples, and the sight of warbly figures swimming in the blue bacta fluid. Cassian muttered something in her ear, but her fingers collided with the glass wall when she reached out to find him.

 

It wasn't until Jyn was staring up at the ceiling from her private sickbay bed while wearing clean white robes that she started to consider that she had survived. Against all odds and K-2SO's probabilities she had survived the decimation on Scarif. She curled her half-numb and heavily bandaged fingers and squeezed--still extremely weak. Her scalp prickled with the new growth of hair from where it had been ripped off in the blast or shaved away for surgery. Later she would learn about the new vertebrae implants in her back so she would have the chance to walk again, the patches of burnt skin that had to be replaced and drowned in ointment in order to be flexible again, and the nose that had to be set back into place because it had been smashed when she had flew into debris. Lots of things had to be replaced or regrown because somehow she had survived long enough to be dunked in vats of batca.

"Cassian?" she whispered.

The Mon Calamarian nurse with global green eyes looked up from her data pad.

"He is still alive."

"The others?"

"Injured, but alive. Chirrut Îmwe was the first to wake up."

"Even K-2SO?"

"Being repaired as we speak."

Tears welled up in her eyes and she had to try very hard to keep breathing. 

"I want to see Cassian."

"Neither of you are in the condition for visiting."

"I want to see Cassian. I need to see him," she cried out, her heart pounding hard against her ribcage. "Please let me see him. Please."

The nurse said nothing as she took a syringe out of the mobile white drawers and added it to the bouquet of syringes and their translucent tubes that punctured her arm in different places. 

"Is he dying? Is he not going to survive?" she whimpered as her tears evaporated into the fog that bloomed under her forehead.

The nurse laid one of her red webbed hands on hers, and Jyn could see her reflection in the wide pupil of the piscine eye.

"You should prepare yourself, because his chances of survival are low. There is hope he will pull through, but it's a thin hope."

"Hope got me this far," Jyn said, or thought she said, but the room had become too fuzzy to tell the difference.

She did get her way and saw Cassian eventually. She lost track of the time that passed during her recovery and could only count it by mobility milestones. She was able to sit up in a wheel chair when he had woken up. She started her physical therapy to walk again when he called for her. Before being wheeled her over to Cassian's private room by her nurse, Jyn was finally given the extent of Cassian's injuries.

"His right arm was destroyed, but he won't receive a prosthetic until his health improves. Part of his skull had been fractured. He also suffered severe burns on his back and back of the scalp. Knowing this, do you still feel up to visiting him? The experience may be a bit too intense."

"Just take me to him," she told her in a voice already worn out from waiting.

After Scarif, nothing could be more intense. Or so she thought.

At least he was awake and sitting up, his glossy black eyes staring out into space, otherwise she would have thought he was dead. She was pretty sure his entire head had been shaved considering how tight the thin white cloth that capped it was. 

His human nurse nodded to Jyn before addressing Cassian in a firm but comforting tone.

"Jyn is here to see you, Cassian."

The familiar criticalness returned to his eyes when Jyn was wheeled next to his bed and turned so she could face him without him having to turn his head. His grayish fingers on his remaining hand flicked on the bed sheet.

A creak of a voice squeezed out from between his cracked teeth.

"Stay."

She missed his closeness and wanted to bend down and press against him again, but the back brace stopped her. She couldn't even hold his hand to her chest for fear of disturbing the tubes and wires attached to his fingers, but she clasped his wrist. He was alive. She was alive. Death had somehow passed over them.

It was frustrating to be stuck in recovery while hearing the latest set back: the information they had worked so hard for was lost in the galaxy, and Princess Leia captured by th Empire. At least she had Chirrut, Baze, and Bodhi to help stave off the irritation while they all relearned to use their limbs or experimented with their new ones. Bodhi had lost both hands and an eye in a grenade explosion, and Baze lost a leg and a half in a separate explosion. The burning death from the Death Star had swept over them, their lives still clinging to their bones until they were rescued by the Rebels.

Cassian refused to leave his room. On the many visits Jyn made to him, she would talk and he would barely say a word or two to her in response. Jyn tried not to take it personally, because he may have suffered injuries that no one had told her about yet. More and more she noticed that he would look down at his new prosthetic hand or at the half-eaten soup of the day in his black bowl on the tray instead of looking anywhere in her direction.

On a day when it was only medical droids babysitting their vitals, she reached out and took his hand, but he pulled his fingers free. 

"I thought..." she said before choking back a sob that scrambled up her throat.

His fingers curled in his lap like a wilting bloom.

"It's my fault," he said in a voice dusty from disuse. "I didn't mean to give you false hope. We were going to die on the beach, and I didn't want you to be afraid."

"You can at least look at me when you're lying to me."

He raised his eyes, wide and dark and the light broken in them. His gaze was almost as desperate as the one he gave her on the elevator ride down to the beach, when she felt his blood oozing out of his wound and cooling on her hand as she held him up.

"I thought you were going to die in the elevator. Even if you did, I would have stayed with you until the end."

"I know you would have, but...Jyn, we were supposed to die on Scarif. I don't know why we're here."

"We're here because we survived."

His eyes wandered away from her, and his chest crackled as it heaved underneath the bandages.

"None of this...none...feels real. When I trust that it is real, it will all go away."

She wanted to grab his hand again and show him that, as unbelievable as it was, it was all real. But although the head bandage was gone and a shadow of his hair returned, the black bruises paling under his eyes, there was still a frailty to him that she didn't want to test.

"It's okay, Cassian," she said after a hard silence.

"You're good at lying to my face."

"I learned from the best," she told him gently.  

Soon after a human doctor entered and asked her to leave. She gripped her cane to resist grabbing at his hand again and left. The atmosphere of the sickbay was grim, and she caught the whispers of a new horror had descended upon them all.

_Alderaan's gone._

_Completely obliterated._

_The Death Star._

The minute she buried herself under the blankets of her medibed was the minute she bit into the cheap pillow to stop herself from screaming as she cried. The plans were gone, Princess Leia captured, Alderaan's existence erased from the galaxy. In her last moments before the blast hit her, she let out one last silent prayer to whatever would listen not to die. Someone, something, the Force listened. Was this the price for their survival? Or was this the prize? Live another day and see all your sacrifice go to shit. Live long enough and see that your hope was hollow and would do nothing but bring pain to yourself and the people you thought you cared about. Live long enough to wish you hadn't survived.

She stopped visiting Cassian. 

For the next few days, she sat with Chirrut, Baze, and Bodhi in the recovery ward of the sickbay. Bodhi practiced using a data pad and controlling the pressure in his waxy synthetic fingertips as he scrolled through it. Baze, his dreads burned away from the blast, practiced walking with the assistance of a chrome protocol droid. Chirrut and Jyn sat nearby on one of the benches of the small, round room full of other soldiers regaining the use of their bodies once more. Mostly, they said nothing to each other, and when it was time to return to their beds the monk would give Jyn's shoulder a reassuring squeeze. He sat up straight and tall, his hands folded neatly on his lap, his pale eyes looking out into the crowd as if he could see them. She slouched until her back and scalp touched the wall, her eyes on a scab on her knuckle she picked at.

"Why do you think we survived?" she mumbled.

"Because the Force willed it," he answered, and a smile flickered on his face, "but you already knew that."

He unfolded one of his hands and held it out. She gripped it hard enough to feel his bones.

"Have you visited him?" she said.

"He has refused us all, except you."

"He still can't believe we survived, and I almost want to agree with him. It's cruel for the Force to let us survive only for the Death Star kill us all soon after."

 "Perhaps, but it seems you have not heard the latest news. Princess Leia returned to us a few hours ago with the plans."

"Are you serious? She's alive? And the plans?" she sputtered.

Bodhi looked up from his data pad, his eyebrows raised. "You didn't hear, Jyn? She also had a couple of new pilots in tow with her too. General Dodonna is planning an attack on the Death Star as we speak. I mean, we have to, don't we? It's coming right for us."

Jyn's mouth went dry. "What did you say?"

It took some time for Jyn to stagger through one of the hidden doorways of the ancient temple turned rebel base of Yavin 4 and outside onto the platforms connected by the stone staircases that only a giant could climb. It was small, but she could see the black splotch of the Death Star against the bright blue sky. How long before it was close enough for her to see its fatal beam of light descend upon the moon? This beautiful moon lush with rainforests and perfumed mists brought back memories of looking down at the pristine beaches of Scarif just before Rogue One landed, the beach that she and Cassian shared what she thought were their final moments...

She heard footsteps behind her, and she turned, thinking it was Chirrut or Bodhi.

It was Cassian.

His legs trembled under his weight as he leaned heavily on his steel cane, his left arm bleeding through the pin-sized holes of where he had ripped out the tubes, his eyes boring into hers.

"What are you doing here?" she said.

"I wanted to see you."

His legs gave out and she swooped down to catch him, but they both tumbled onto the ground. Somehow they managed to sit up against the stone wall, the Death Star looming closer as it approached their sun. She curled up around him and listened to his heartbeat thrum in her ear. His arms wrapped around her waist and shoulder, his fingers hard and cold like metal against her back.

"Stay," she said.

"Until the end," he murmured in her bristles of hair. 

She wondered briefly if there would be even an attempt to evacuate, and if anyone would look for them clinging to each other here, but everything fell away when she allowed herself to get lost in the dark, dark corners of the galaxy within his eyes. She had seen a glimpse of it on the elevator, on the beach...she wanted to kiss him, but she didn't want to pull away from his gaze, even though his face inched closer to hers, the prickles of his beard growing soft and hazy--

 A sound-breaking explosion boomed in the sky. They both looked up into the sky, and the Death Star was nowhere to be seen. Although the walls of the temple were thick, they could hear the cheers of hundreds of soldiers inside.

"Did...did that just happen?" Jyn breathed.

"It did," he answered as if she had asked him about the weather.

"And we're still here?"

"We're still here."

His smile was heartbreaking. It was small, polite, and just wide enough to hold back whatever Jyn could only guess he was feeling. His eyes, however, invited her, and she raised her head up by just a hair to brush her lips against his. His smile sank into a serious frown that took care in how it kissed her back slightly firmer than she had kissed him. Under the bitter soap and sickly-sweet bacta was the ghost of gunmetal and leather and sweat that she had grown to love. She nearly bit him back, craving his scent, but her wounds gave a warning ache. She needed to take her time with him and with herself. He seemed to have the same idea when he pulled back to kiss her on the forehead, but his lips never left her skin. Jyn nuzzled his cheek and closed her eyes to savor his scent and touch, already fantasizing about the many possible futures that lay in wait for them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one took so long! The baby will come up again in the next chapter, but I'll also be delving further into the beginning of their relationship next chapter too and earn that M rating.
> 
> This and the next chapter were inspired by "I Want Love (Studio Mix)" from the Silent Hill 3 soundtrack.
> 
> Your comments and kudos are greatly appreciated, especially since I finally finished the chapter because I was upset over my car being broken into (nothing stolen tho, which is lucky!) and needed something happy.


	4. Chapter 4

They were going to die on Scarif.

Cassian kept his breathing slow and even, inhaling Jyn's mounting fear as she trembled against him. It seemed foolish to even think he was protecting her at all with his arms around her. He squeezed the back of her neck, and she tightened her hold over his shoulders. 

The rumbling from afar swelled into a roar. Cassian pressed his nose deeper into the crook of her neck. He didn't fear the death that was coming--he had accepted that he was dead when he joined the Rebellion. His life did not matter when it came to liberating the galaxy from the Empire. 

Still, at least he didn't die alone.

He felt the oppressive wall of heat  on his back, and he was terrified.

 

 

He couldn't breathe in the frigid water, couldn't lift his arms to swim, couldn't see any light that would guide him to the surface. Hot pins seared from inside his lungs. Hands grabbed him and dragged him up and onto cool, soggy sand. Lips sealed against his and fruit-sweet air inflated his lungs. Dots of color clustered and grew as his sight returned to him. Jyn lifted her head above his, strands of wet hair clinging to her damp, ruddy cheeks. He breathed but he couldn't speak to tell her how she sparked something in him he long thought cold and dead. His muscles twitched but he didn't have the strength to hold her tightly to him, because now that he had touched her and she held his hand, it was all that he wanted. All that he needed. He could never have her, though, because the beach she rescusitated him on was a part of Scarif and this is the beach they died on. He didn't want to burden her with his feelings the moments before they died. He knew that she would be thinking of her father, the man he knew she truly loved, instead of a potential romance that would never come to fruition. 

Looking up at her now, he wished that he had been selfish.

 

 

 

"--abilezed. No more fluid in his lungs either," said a worn-out woman's voice.

"Let's hope we get him breathing on his own soon too," answered a man's voice that sounded faintly familiar to him.

"I still can't believe he lived. That any of them lived." 

Cassian cut in, "What do you mean we lived?" 

"Did Arlen tell you what they found on Erso?" asked the woman.

"Jyn? What happened to Jyn? Is she alive?" Cassian said.

"No, what?" said the man.

The woman whispered, "It was a kyber crystal necklace. The one still awake won't stop babbling about the Force. Do you think that maybe...?"

"What happened to Jyn?" Cassian demanded.

"I don't know. The galaxy is full of its own mysteries."

"Hey, look at his vitals."

"Good! This is good to see. Now if only he could wake up."

It finally dawned on Cassian that they couldn't hear him, and that he couldn't see them, so he let himself float away.

 

He understood why the male voice had a ring of familiarity to it. It belonged to a middle-aged man with a salt and pepper beard, sagging, red-veined cheeks, a barrel chest--so much like his father. Too much like his father. He tried to move his hand up to grab at his white sleeve, but then the man slowly waved a finger in front of Cassian's face and spoke again.

"Captain Andor has regained full consciousness, is still able to track movements. Will continue monitoring progress."

Cassian blinked once, twice, and forgot everything else.

The longer he stayed awake, the easier it was to tell that his main doctor was not, in fact, his father back from the grave. It was stupid to even think it possible, but the crushing disappointment pressed down against his ribs anyway. 

"Let's try again, Captain Andor," said his doctor. "I know it must be difficult to concentrate, but if there was one thing in the world that you want right now, tell me."

"...n." He croaked.

The doctor's bushy eyebrows rose high on his forehead before he leaned over and said, "Once more, Andor."

Cassian inhaled deeply, pressed his dry tongue against his teeth, and said, "Jyn."

Jyn came to him soon, but she was in a wheel chair with a metal brace around her waist, her hair clipped close to her scalp, and her watery green eyes sunken deep in their sockets. He asked her to stay, and she did.

She stayed, then left, then came back and talked to him even though he could barely speak. It was unbelievable that not only had they survived, but so did Chirrut and Baze and Bodhi and K-2SO. Although the droid was still being repaired, the others were awake and wanted to give him company, she had told him.

"No, just you," he said. 

She jerked her head up but didn't question him, and he could sense her unease. She continued to chat until she left his room into wherever was outside his door. He glanced at it on the nights he couldn't sleep, when the bleach white light slipped under the space between the door and the floor. He listened to the door as it hissed open and shut, but only his doctor, the medidroids, and Jyn passed through that door. Of course, they were the only ones allowed inside.

Each time Jyn came, he wanted to hook his hands around her and cling to her until the sunrise. But when they were alone and she took his hand, dream and reality collided into each other. He withdrew his hand and couldn't bear to look at her until she caught him in his lie about giving her false hope. He felt the full force of her reflexive betrayal, and then she mentioned the elevator. He, too, thought he would collapse and die once the elevator reached the bottom, so when he looked at her, he thought it would be the last time and he wanted to take her image in one last time. Something had cracked between them as they silently gazed at each other, a flood of emotions held back by their levees of flesh.

He felt it all unfurl back as he looked at her now and tried to put words to the fear that had no solid form, and he could tell that she didn't believe him. He didn't believe himself. He didn't know where he truly was anymore--maybe his body was still smoldering on the glass beaches of Scarif and his soul had found this bruised meat sack draped over a stack of splintered bones and a robotic arm. Maybe he had stolen it and stuffed every nook and cranny with his spirit until it groaned. This was not his body.

 Jyn did not come through the door for several sleep cycles. 

 Jyn was probably never going to come back.

He spent his waking hours staring at the wall, answering any mundane questions that the doctor or medidroids had for him. He often stared at his prosthetic hand and moved its mechanical parts masked by the clean, smooth synthskin. He could feel if something was hard or soft or hot or cold, but his new fingers couldn't feel the nuances like his flesh and bone hand did. It was like having a congested nose and not being able to taste anything, only with touch. He was glad Jyn didn't grab this hand, because that might have been too much for him.

On a day when more commotion than usual leaked under the door, the doctor mopped his wrinkled forehead with a tissue and said in a clipped, rushed tone, "I will need to leave you for a little bit, but I will be back soon."

The doctor left, the medidroids left, and Cassian was left with the lethargic melodies of the numerous monitors that beeped out his vital signs. He wondered if they would ever return, or if he was stuck in this pocket purgatory forever. He eyed the door and tried to imagine what was on the other side: Mon Mothma, Draven, Bodhi, Baze, Chirrut, K-2SO...Jyn.

Jyn.

The levee broke and his hot tears ran down his cheeks and soaked into his short, thick beard. Whether this was his reality or not, he needed to see her one more time, now. He hated the walls, hated the bed, hated the door, hated the kriffing needles stuck in his real arm--he bit his lip as he plucked each needle out of his skin, sending his monitors into an electronic hysteria. He pulled both legs over the bed, his toes just above the floor. He gripped the side of his bed, hoping that at least his mechanical arm could help support him as he lowered to the floor. Both of his feet flattened as he gradually added weight to them, but suddenly it was one ounce too many and he fell forward on to the floor with a deafening smack. Pain rippled through his body as he struggled to breathe through the ringing in his ears. He could lift up his head and fold his prosthetic arm under his chest to prop him up, but his legs floundered when he tried to bend them.

 "C'mon, c'mon," he grunted as he tried to push himself up, but stopped to look at the door when it hissed opened.

Black steel gleaming from a fresh polishing, K-2SO stood at the threshold and his oculars stared down at Cassian.

"Should I even ask?" the droid drawled.

"Kay...I need your help," Cassian gasped.

"Clearly."

K-2SO grappled Cassian under the armpit and pulled him up to his feet. Cassian gritted his teeth so hard that his jaw felt like it would crack in half, but he managed not to scream even though the tender muscles in his legs shrieked at him. Having carried his weight for so many years, it seemed so strange that a few weeks of not standing would make his legs shudder under his thin robes. 

"How did you manage to fall out of bed anyway, Cassian?"

"I need to see Jyn."

"I will go and get her."

"No, I have to tell her, to find her."

"Tell her what? I'll record it and tell her for you. If you continue on like this, you increase your already high chance of--"

"I have to do this myself, Kay!" 

They stared at each other, and Cassian could almost hear the calculations going on in the droid's head.

"I will help you, Cassian."

Cassian held on to K-2SO as they left the room and entered the crowds of patients and doctors and medidroids all scrambling and shouting. The droid stole a cane left unattended on a pillar and shoved it in his hand and the walking got a little easier, even though it felt like he was walking on knives. K-2SO, fortunately, had seen where Jyn had gone, though he didn't think that she saw him, because she seemed terribly upset about the Death Star that was making it's way to Yavin. The cacophony surrounding Cassian muted when he reached the secret door in the wall that allowed him outside, mumbling at K-2 to stay back. 

He saw her looking up at the sky, her hair still cut short to the scalp but with a slight wave at the ends, the outline of her back brace protruding under her white shirt. He staggered towards her until she turned towards him, her sea-glass green gaze stopping his breath.

"What are you doing here?" she said.

With the last of his strength he said, "I wanted to see you."

He didn't know he'd fallen until she caught him. He felt her whole, warm weight against him as they huddled against the stone wall. He clung on to her and savored her breath on his neck when she asked him to stay, and he promised her he would until the end. He lost himself in the stormy seas of her eyes, and this time, this time he would be selfish before they died--

And then the Death Star exploded.

And they weren't going to die that day.

"And we're still here?" she said.

"We're still here."

Jyn kissed him first, but he took his time returning it, wanting to feel every salty, rough, real inch of her. He pulled from her lips to kiss the tip of her forehead--

"Cassian! Cassian, wake up. C'mon, wake up," Jyn said, her voice trembling.

His head laid on her shoulder, her cold fingers tapping his cheek. He managed to just slit his eyes open, but it was a strain to hold up his heavy eyelids.

"I think...I might have needed...what was in some of those...needles..." he mumbled.

"No, no, no, stay awake. Stay awake long enough for me to get help. Cassian!"

 

After much more bed rest, medicine, and physical therapy, Cassian was able to stand walk again for several hours without his legs quivering from the effort. He rejoined the company of Rogue One just in time to see it fall apart. Baze and Chirrut left to start a new temple to foster the renewed interest in the Force now that Luke Skywalker had arrived to tell them all about it, and Bodhi was on a new mission to shuttle off secret cargo. Jyn was growing stronger too, and he knew it'd only be a matter of time before they would both be stationed off on different missions far across the galaxy.

When he was deemed fit enough to be allowed to sleep in his private quarters, he sought out Jyn and found her walking down a thankfully empty hallway. He restrained running towards her when her gentle smile greeted him, but he kept his frown on and his hands folded behind his back. As he passed her, he slowed his step just long enough to tell her his room number and what time to meet him there. She nodded once and kept walking without breaking her stride.

In four hours they were cooped up in his tiny, bare quarters. Their clothes strewn over the floor and on the desk, Cassian gripping the headpost with Jyn straddled on top of him, trying to figure out the rhythm.

"Wait, wait, stop," he gasped.

She stopped moving and panted. "Did I hurt you?"

"No! No. This doesn't...feel right."

She carefully dislodged herself and cuddled next to him. "You're right. Maybe it's nerves?"

"I never get nervous."

"How are you a spy when you're such a terrible liar?" she chuckled.

"I thought I was one of the best," he said, brushing her damp bangs out of her face.

She drew her arms around him and kissed the knot of scars on his left shoulder. His right arm cradled her, and she pressed her fingers into the synthetic flesh.

"Feels pretty real, eh?" he said in her hair. "Very little wear and tear."

A loud sniff came out of her, and he felt warm drops on his shoulder. He kissed the tip of her ear and massaged her neck to encourage her to look at him, but instead it made her shudder.

"I'm sorry," he muttered and released her neck.

"No, I like it. It's comforting."

So his fingers rubbed the back of her neck again, strands of of her hair rolling into knots. A small sigh eased out of her, her eyes closed and her lips stuck against his skin. He regretted pushing her so quickly to do this, pushing himself so quickly. In the past he'd been able to get what he needed from a quick fucking. He didn't even know what he wanted at this point, besides just being next to Jyn.

"I'm afraid, Cassian," she whimpered.

"I am too."

She lifted her head and stared down at him with watery eyes.

"I'm terrified," Cassian continued. "I don't know what will happen to us after we leave this room tomorrow. We're just going to have to take it day by day."

"But if we're deployed tomorrow and wasted tonight--"

"Being with you is never a waste, Jyn. Never."

 She wiped her eyes with the back of her her hand, then leaned in and kissed his temple, his cheek, and finally his mouth.

"Being with you is never a waste either."

They embraced each other for the rest of the night, kissing breasts and stomachs and shoulders and thighs. Cassian had hoped that maybe in the next few days they would be able to have at least a much more physically satisfying time, but then Jyn had deployed before they could reach that point. For the following three years they exchanged holofiles when they were apart for months at a time, and with each reunion they grew more confident that they would live to see another reunion. Cassian was ecstatic when he learned that he and Jyn would both be on Echo Base; a new base meant that they would most likely to be stationed there for a good chunk of time, and he had planned to not only spend every free moment he could with her, but to finally confess that he loved her.

* * *

His eyes fluttered open from his hard sleep in the cot in his private quarters on Echo Base. He still hadn't told Jyn that he loved her, and it should have been the first thing he told her when he visited her in the medibay. He should have told her that he loved her and their daughter to comfort her, but instead she was the one who comforted him.

Shutting his eyes and feeling around for the edge of the blanket, Cassian tucked himself in and felt his mind being dragged back down in to unconsciousness. He needed to do better to make Jyn feel safe even though so many things were unpredictable now.

She needed to know he loved her, and that his love for her would be the one predictable thing she could count on.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did NOT expect Cassian's part to get so long, but he had a lot of time to just think to himself.
> 
> As the ending implies, the flashback is now over, and I have a better sense of what their relationship is like lol. Next chapter is definitely going to have the baby again for real this time, this chapter just surprised me in a lot of ways. Thanks again for your comments and kudos!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Changed the tags because why not add my first bit of smut here.

"She's so small, Cassian," Jyn breathed.

The ridged breathing tube was thicker than the infant's arm. The sticker that held the feeding tube against the pink belly was wider than her wrinkled feet. The poor thing's entire body was a shiny and dark pink, as if she had been burned. Jyn understood Cassian's unspoken pain a little better.

"I know. But she's getting bigger, isn't she doctor?" Cassian's voice crackled.

"Little by little, day by day," answered Dr. Harfra, a dark-skinned woman with silver woven in her tight black curls.

Cassian's hand splayed out on the top of the incubator, his eyes glistening in the bright light.  Jyn placed a hand on his shoulder, her thumb slowly rubbing up and down his bicep. She looked back down the infant, trying to comprehend that this small stowaway grew inside of her without her knowing for so long, and now the baby was here and needing so much care from Jyn and Cassian. Well, Jyn mostly. Baby Erso-Andor was only three days old and her father was going to be deployed on a new mission the next week. It would be a short trip, only a week and he would be back, but Jyn was still holding back the hurt tears that threatened to fall when Cassian told her this news when she was discharged from the medibay that morning.

"I have the pump here for you, Sergeant Erso, and you can pump next to her. This will help with the bonding process," said Dr. Harfra, pointing with two fingers at the pristine white breast pump on the table under the Baby Erso-Andor's vitals' monitor.

Both Cassian and Jyn looked up at the doctor, and Jyn put on a weak smile.

"I guess that's the best I can do, all things considering."

Cassian murmured to her, "I can stay with you, if you want."

"I think I might--what's wrong?"

The holopad in Cassian's front pocket pinged. Cassian flicked through it, his brows knitting deep  down.

"My mission. It's been changed. I'm not going off planet anymore."

"Where are you off to then?" Jyn asked.

He turned to her, his gaze hard and suspicious. "I'm still here. I've been given a paper pushing job. I need to talk to General Organa about this."

"You don't want to leave, do you?" Jyn said in a voice that splintered, and she almost wished she hadn't said a thing, but if he could stay longer with her and the baby--

Dr. Harfra turned her back on them to check on the machine that managed the infant's food intake. Cassian pressed his hand against Jyn's back and drew her to his side. He nuzzled her hair as he whispered, "I want to stay, but I have to check on this first to make sure it's correct. With any luck I'll be able to stay longer than we both thought."

He kissed her temple once and she pulled up half her mouth in an attempt to smile. When had she become so brittle, so dependent on him to keep it all together? He pecked her lips, which brought up the slacked half of her mouth.

"I'll keep you updated," he said before he parted.

The doctor turned back around with the milk pump in her hands as soon as the door slid shut behind Cassian.

"Where should I sit?" Jyn sighed.

Within a few minutes, Jyn found herself sitting right in front of the incubator with her shirt unbuttoned and the suction cups of the pump attached on her breasts. A tingle ran up her back as the now familiar hiss of the hydraulic system of the pump sucked air out of the cup, pulling her nipples into the thick, opaque tubing. Splashes of milk eventually came out after a couple of pumps, and Jyn breathed deeply in time with the machine.  

She looked up at her infant's face and tried to imagine what her eyes looked like behind the thin knitted layer of her cap, if they were either green or brown or a mix in between. The doctor left and a medidroid took her place. The bulky medidroid gave her a stilted greeting and Jyn only nodded back, her energy draining with the milk into the two four-ounce plastic bottles. Her head rolled over her shoulders until it hung heavily over one side.

All she could do was sit and make milk for the baby. She wasn't even really physically feeding her, and it exhausted her. The real work would start once the baby was healthy enough to leave the incubator. She and Cassian needed to decide not only a name, but where they would keep her until this war was over. She secretly hoped that they could all stay hidden on some backwater planet, not just for their safety, but the way Cassian looked down at their daughter made Jyn's heart ache with memories of her father and herself.

 _Jyn. Look at you. I have so much to tell you,_ the ghost of Galen's words whispered in her mind. He would have been a wonderful grandfather, she knew. She wished he was here to comfort her, and for her mother to tell her what to do.

Looking at the infant now, she felt so much less than the monument of her mother. Her mother knew what to do and when to do it, was strict and loving with Jyn, brave enough to try and save her father. Lyra Erso would have known what to do. She gave birth to Jyn in an Imperialist prison, after all, and raised her for six months without her father. Lyra Erso was strong enough to give birth to a healthy baby and take care of her without the help of any of these machines that kept Jyn's child alive. How could she possibly raise this child when her body wasn't enough to bring her to the world full term? Jyn blinked her tears away and swallowed down the sour guilt that had settled on the tip of her tongue. 

She watched her milk dribble into the quarter-full bottles that she held with trembling fingers. At least she could do this for the baby. 

At least she could do this.

* * *

 Cassian heard General Organa and Captain Solo in the middle of another shouting match in the at the fork in the ice tunnels long before he found them. He hung out at a corner in the tunnel that led to the tauntaun pens and waited for the argument to die down before he approached the ruffled couple.

"General, I apologize for interrupting, but if I could have a word," Cassian said.

General Organa shot one last glare at Captain Solo before turning to Cassian. "Of course, captain."

They strode down the slope of the tunnel, Cassian feeling the burn of Captain Solo's glare on the back of his head but resisting the urge to look back.

"Walk with me to the hangar, captain," Leia said. "What did you need to speak to me about?"

"Yesterday, Draven assigned me to go to Akiva next, but just an hour ago it changed and now I'm staying here to handle paperwork. Is this correct, ma'am?"

"It is, because I changed your assignment. It should be noted on the file."

"It is, but--" he snapped his mouth shut as a rowdy group of pilots jabbered on as they passed each other by. Cassian gritted his teeth and exhaled slowly out of his nose before continuing. "I didn't ask for it to be changed."

General Organa stopped, crossed her arms, and frowned at him. "I know. However, I felt that you were needed here more at the base for the time being, which is why I changed it. Is that going to be a problem?"

 Leia Organa's glare was legendary within the Rebellion, often likened to being filleted alive and your organs picked out and examined piece by piece before you succumbed to the shame of having earned such a glare. Cassian felt the full force of it now, his stubborn pride and thoughtlessness exposed in the chilly air. He wanted to still be as useful as possible to the Rebellion, and he could still do so much for it in the field, she knew that. She also witnessed Cassian's strangled cry when he approached Jyn in the conference a few days ago and she collapsed in his arms, blood staining the inside of her thighs. He carried her to the medibay himself, whispering encouragement to Jyn to hold on.

"How long am I grounded for?" he murmured.

"Three months, for the both of you. That should be enough time to get affairs in order, wouldn't you agree?"

He gaped at her, his wide eyes stinging from the cold air.  _Three months?_ The most he and Jyn had spent together throughout the last three years (after their Scarif recovery) was two weeks at most. Together they would have three whole months. They could complain about the paperwork and share dinner and a bed for three months, and at the end of those months he could even hold his child with his own hands at least once before going back out in the field again. He wondered what Leia told Draven that made him change his mind, and if there was a blaster involved.

The pinch in his chest reminded him that he needed to breathe, and he gulped down his next breath before he could speak.

"Thank you, general," he said.

Leia's gaze softened as she smiled at him. "You're welcome, captain, however, I'm sure you're aware that once your daughter can eat and breathe on her own, she can't be on base any longer. Do you know have any possible candidates to send her to?" 

"Not yet. Jyn and I will discuss that tonight."

"I have a few good people in mind, so if you can't find anyone, let me know. If you or Jyn or your daughter ever need something, I will see what I can do."

"Thank you again, general. It means a lot to us."

 Leia patted his numb arm once before folding her hands behind her back.

"Get back to your duties now, captain," Leia said as they continued to walk through the huge mouth into the main hangar bay.

Cassian followed her then broke away towards the tunnel that directly led to the medibay, holding back his run but allowing a hint of a smile to rest on his face.

* * *

 Jyn punched the passcode to Cassian's private quarters, sauntered in the moment the door slid up, and tossed her duffle bag on his bed before collapsing next to it. His bed was stiff as a board, but she sighed as if it was the softest feather bed.

Cassian twisted back from his chair and asked, "Staying for a while?" 

"Well, we're not a secret anymore."

He chuckled,"No, we're not. Tired?"

"Exhausted."

He sat on the edge of the bed and tapped her boots with his index finger.

"I don't like shoes on the bed," he said.

Jyn flopped her arms towards her feet.

"I can't reach," she whined.

He quirked a grin on his as he unlaced her left boot.

"Making me do all the work around here," he grumbled in a playful tone.

 Her chuckle turned into a groan as he pried off her boot. She wiggled her toes until he rolled up her sweat-stiff sock off of her feet.

"Your feet are freezing," he said, genuinely concerned as he massaged some warmth back into her bare foot.

"I don't do well in cold weather."

She closed her eyes and felt him put her bare foot aside so he could work on taking off her second boot.

"Leia needs to know if we have anyone in mind to look after the baby once she's off the machines," Cassian said as he slowly pulled up the laces through their eyeholes.

"What's Bodhi up to these days? Planning on retiring any time soon?"

"He got a promotion, actually. Still working the shuttles, though."

"Chirrut and Baze's temple is still standing. Those two would keep her safe."

The boot slipped off, the release of pressure making Jyn sigh again. Cassian rolled up the sock, his thumbs dragging across each newly exposed inch of her skin.

"They would, but there have been several attacks made on the temple, and I think they're still rebuilding from the last attack." He pulled the sock off her foot. "Leia also said that she knew people who could take good care of her."

"Did she say who?"

"No, but I can ask her. I wanted to talk to you first and see what are options are."

"Kes Dameron has his kid living with his father-in-law. Maybe they have room for one more. But that's all I can think of for right now."

It wasn't that Jyn and Cassian didn't have friends within the Rebellion, it was that the friends they made were as lacking in civilian friends and family as they were. Jyn opened her eyes again and watched Cassian's calculating face, looking just as slightly doubtful as she felt that Kes Dameron's father-in-law that they did not know would take in someone else's child. She pulled herself up and draped her arms over his shoulders, trying to push away the nagging thought that she would have to leave her child behind with someone else as the war went on forever. She and Cassian could leave the Rebellion to raise her, but the idea wasn't worth bringing up. Neither would leave the Rebellion, not even Jyn. She would never admit it out loud, but after Scarif she felt as if some part of her had fused itself onto the Rebellion, and she was determined to stick with it until it won this war. She had put too much of her own skin in the game over the years to give up now.

Mostly, and she would never tell him, she stayed for Cassian. He had made a home for her in the Rebellion, and she would make a home for him when the galaxy wouldn't need the Rebellion anymore. She needed to stay in the Rebellion to keep each other alive until then.

"We'll talk about it later." he whispered, his forehead pressing gently against hers.

"Maybe we should think of what to name the baby before we figure out who she should live with," she said, then added with a grin, "We should name her after the moon we conceived her on."

"Or maybe the place she was born in."

Jyn pulled away from him. "I'm not naming her Hoth."

"No," he laughed, slowly reeling her back in by cupping her neck. "but what do you think of Echo? Echo Erso-Andor."

Echo was a pretty name, but there were too many e's. As happy as she was to be spending the next three months with Cassian in Echo Base, she didn't exactly want to memorialize it with their daughter's name.

"I think we can agree on the Erso-Andor part," she said, kissing the side of his mouth.

Cassian cradled the back of her neck when he kissed her back, his stubble prickling her chin.  He lowered her down on the bed before kissing under her jaw and neck. Jyn tugged her shirt out of her pants so he could touch her skin, but then she paused when she felt the slight bump of her abdomen where the bacta patch used to be. The incision was so clean and the bacta applied so quickly that there wasn't any scar tissue, but she could imagine the scar still being there and the secret it unlocked. A secret her body kept from her. She felt uneasy with the thought of what else was being kept from her. 

"Now that I'm thinking of it, I don't think she was conceived on Iego. I think she was conceived on the shuttlecraft going there," she said.

Cassian's hands joined hers and squeezed, then lifted their hands so he could kiss her belly. The uneasiness faded away as she stroked her fingers through his hair. 

"I remember you strapping me down on the chair," he purred.

"We can do that again," she said as he kissed the nape of her throat. "We'll just improvise a little with your chair."

"It might break."

"Now you made it into a challenge," she said, curled up from the bed and plucked apart the top button of his tan shirt. "But I...I want to be the one in the chair this time."

He cocked up an eyebrow. "Are you sure?"

She was always the one who ordered him to strip, who strapped him down, who dominated him from start to finish. He was always the one who stripped, who sat still in his bonds, who submitted to her. It took a few tries, but they had found their dance that left them tipsy and full. Commanding Cassian, leading this dance, and making decisions weighed heavily on her already care-worn mind. She looked him up and down, seeing the power he carried in his hands, his shoulders, his eyes--he looked at her as if he could see the bone-deep scars inside her that bacta couldn't heal, but the strength of his kindness could.

"Tell me what to do," she said, her voice trembling.

 "Ok," he said, pecking her cheek. "Wait here a moment."

He left the bed and disappeared behind the door that led to his private 'fresher and came back out a few minutes later with clean fingernails. He fetched one of his white wool scarfs, then carried  his chair and set it down next to the bed, it's solid black back facing towards Jyn. He folded the scarf exactly in half and laid it before her knees. Jyn looked up at him, at his loose collar, at the buttons she wanted to pick off one by one. He leaned down, placed her hands behind his neck, and scooped her off the bed. As he cradled her, she closed her eyes and pressed her face against his chest, savoring the rich, earthy scent of leather and the salty pinch of sweat. He swayed as he carried her forward, and she enjoyed the tingle of weightlessness that ran through her spine. Her eyes opened when he put her in the chair.

"I need you to fold your arms behind you," he said, the scarf in his hand.

She fought back the grin she wanted to make, because at this point she would have barked at him to wait, to fold his arms--but he spoke in such a hushed, patient voice. She did as she was told, and he tied the scratchy wool scarf around her wrists.

"I'm going to lean you back now. Ready?"

She nodded once.

"Tell me, Jyn."

"Yes."

He stood over her, his hands warming the sides of her head. When he leaned her back so that the chair balanced on its back legs, her stomach rammed up into rib cage and she gasped. She was floating, vulnerable, unable to escape. 

"Are you all right, Jyn?" he asked.

"Yes, it's just different," she panted as fear dripped down in cold sweat that ran down her back. "I trust you. Keep going."

His eyes focused on hers as he straddled the chair, his right arm bracing him against the bed. He leaned in close enough to kiss but held back.

"Do you want me to touch you, Jyn?" he said, his breath fluttering against her dry lips.

 She was floating, vulnerable, unable to look away from the velvety glow in his eyes.

"Yes," she plead.

He kept that slim distance between their lips as his fingers from his free hand unbuttoned and unzipped her pants just wide enough for them to slip into her underwear. Her pelvis trembled at the first familiar touch of his dry, calloused hand against her dewy skin. He combed his fingers through the curls of her pubic hair for a moment, then swept his two longest fingers along her dampening lower lips, his touch even and with a hint of firmness. Her thighs squeezed against his hand to hold it there as her wrist pulled against the knitted links of the scarf. He closed his eyes as he search for the rhythm, his breath and her pulse thrumming together to a new slower, sweeter tune to follow. He leaned into his kiss, and she tried to bring him as close to her breast as she could without the use of her arms.

His fingers slid along her vulva.

"Ready?" he breathed.

"Yes, please," she panted.

His ring and index fingers parted the folds of her vulva and his middle finger slipped just inside her, gingerly teasing her clit as he rubbed along the outside of the hood in a slow circle. Jyn bit into his shirt to pull him closer to her, her toes grasping for the cloth behind his knees. 

"Be patient, Jyn," he gently chided her.

She huffed, but she tickled him with kisses down his throat and collar bone as his finger waltzed around inside her. If she could afford to trust him to do this to her, she could afford to be patient too as he rubbed closer and closer to the inner hood, her thighs trembling from his touch and his scent and the waiting and the weight of gravity pooling on her stomach--until finally he touched the eager tip of her quivering clit.

* * *

 Even though Jyn didn't care for the cold, she did like how it made sharing the bed with Cassian much cozier. She pulled the thick cover over his bare shoulder. Her index finger traced the length of his eyebrow as he slept, his face half-buried in his pillow. Usually this light touch would wake him up, but he remained still and unconscious to the world. She smoothed the ruffled dark hairs with her thumb. The pressure of everything outside of their warm, quiet cocoon still weighed in her mind, but Cassian was here with her. He would always be here with her, gentle and guiding and strong enough to hold on to. His face blurred as she gazed at him through the film of tears over her eyes, her feelings bubbling up her throat and forming into words that warmed away the chill in the air.

"I love you."

The words dangled in the space between them, fragile as freshly made glass. He didn't hear them, but that was okay. This was practice for when he was fully awake. She kissed his eyebrow before snuggling under his chin, drinking in his scent before she drifted off into sleep.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooooo I had to take a bit of a break from this because I wasn't sure how I wanted to write this fic. As you can probably guess from my other fics, I tend to keep my writing very tight and short. This fic, however, I'm going to try and let things take their due course. I have plot goal posts so it's not directionless, but I'm going to let the characters breathe and take my time with shit. I don't know how many chapters this fic will take for me to reach my conclusion, but I hope you'll enjoy the ride with me.

After a gentle scolding from the doctor and some medication to ease the growing soreness in her pelvic area, Jyn was told that she and Cassian could try holding the baby's hand for the first time. Touch was important for emotional health and growth, but it could still be extremely stressful for the infant, so they were only allowed to sweep a finger or two under the baby's hand, and they were not allowed to stroke the baby in any way.

Once they washed their hands multiple times, Jyn and Cassian were seated in front of the porthole side of the incubator. Jyn's fingers shook as she pressed them through the transparent flaps of flexible plastic and into the humid world the baby lived in. Her hand was twice the size of the infant's head, but the infant didn't react at all. Her minuscule arms rested folded at her sides, as if she were laying out for a tan. Was she even aware of her odds of surviving to the next minute, the next hour, the next day? A twitch racked through her body, and her pink fists opened. Jyn slid her pinkie finger under the tiny palm, and the even tinier, sticky fingers curved along her skin. 

Jyn inhaled sharply and exhaled a sob. Cassian braced her shoulders against his to keep her steady as she wheezed. It suddenly all came crashing on her head that this little person was real. Jyn knew she was real, of course, but it never quite connected until right now. She didn't feel her growing inside her, she nursed a machine, and she couldn't even look her in the face because of the little white cap and the breathing tube. Without even realizing it she hadn't really accepted that this infant was  _hers_ , that this was  _her_ daughter holding her finger. It took four days to acknowledge her own daughter.

Jyn pulled out her arm and wrapped it around Cassian, who cradled her as she cried into his shirt, unable to voice the bitter guilt she felt rising in her throat. The monitors attached to their infant that once beeped at a slow, regular rhythm now fluttered, the white lines on screens shooting up and crashing down.

Dr. Harfra shooed Cassian and Jyn to the back of the room. "That's why we have to be careful about stress."

Jyn said nothing as Cassian hefted her to a corner of the room and shielded her from the light and the noise with his tight embrace.

"Tell me what's wrong," Cassian whispered in her ear.

"How are we going to do this?" she wept. "I don't know how to raise kids. I don't know what she needs when she leaves the incubator. Where is she going to go? Where are we going to go?"

"We take it one day at a time."

"We haven't even  _named_ her yet."

"We agreed on Erso-Andor, remember? That's half of a name right there," he said, then swallowed hard. 

She wiped away her tears, looked up at him and saw a glint of hope in his eyes that she hadn't noticed before. His face was a mask of passive calm, the kind of mask he wore during times like these when Jyn completely lost her head. 

"Why do you put up with me?" she whimpered.

"Because I love you," he replied without missing a beat.

The way his voice trembled as he said those words made her eyes overflow again, and he apologized as he thumbed the tears away from her face.

"No, don't be sorry," she said. "I love you too."

Jyn clung to him as Cassian held her so tightly that her body didn't fly into a million pieces when the nervous tremors shuddered through her. Jyn's ragged breaths eventually evened out, but she still held fast to Cassian, her friend, her love, her family. She had been alone for so long without a family, preferring to think her own father dead for years until her hopes were raised and dashed again when he died in her arms. Now here she was, somehow building a new one with Cassian and their daughter. Eventually she broke away from him, because Cassian hadn't had a turn to hold their daughter's hand yet. The monitors' levels had returned to normal and the doctor only looked a little uneasy about possibly stressing out the infant a second time that day, but she allowed it.

Cassian chose to hold their daughter's hand with his index finger instead, his thumb twitching as he resisted to stroke her fingers. He let out a long and slow sigh, his eyes clear and without a hint of extra moisture. Jyn leaned her cheek against her fist and watched him, silently thanking the Force that he was here for both of them.

* * *

Cassian left Jyn to nurse in the NICU and met up with K-2SO just outside the medbay. The droid escorted Cassian down the white halls, grumbling about how small the ice tunnels were. The chilling sting on Cassian's face helped him keep grounded and focused on moving one foot in front of the other towards his quarters. He focused what energy he could spare on keeping his face as neutral as possible, but he couldn't bear looking at anyone in the face. At last he reached his door, inputting his code with numb fingers.

"I'll stand guard and make sure no one disturbs you," K-2 said.

"Thanks," Cassian mumbled without looking him in the face.

The moment the door slid shut behind him, the ground swerved from under him and he crumpled like a rag doll. Gulping down deep, shuddering breaths, he pulled himself to his knees and tried to lift his head up, but it stuck to the cold white floor as if it were magnetized to it. It was better to feel bolted to the ground while the world spun around him anyway. He curled his fist, rubbing his thumb over the finger his daughter touched. 

Laying on his side, Cassian startled awake. Kriff, did he pass out on the floor? He staggered upwards and balanced himself on the edge of the desk until the last of the dizziness evaporated. He turned to his door and slammed on the button that triggered it open.

"How long have you been standing there, Kay?" Cassian demanded.

"Four minutes and fifty-two seconds," K-2 answered.

Cassian let out a small sigh of relief. At least he wasn't out long enough for anyone to notice, but he had to be careful. Jyn was under enough pressure without him collapsing at the drop of a hat. 

"You appear distressed, Cassian. Do you need to be escorted back to the medical bay?"

Cassian shook his head. "No, I just needed a moment to collect myself. Maybe something to eat too."

 _Maybe some sleep too_ , he thought to himself, but pushed that idea aside. He wasted enough time oversleeping the last few mornings. He was glad, though, to have K-2 escort him to the mess hall, even when the droid said things like, "I think you'll be happy to know that Baby Erso-Andor's chances of living to her original due date has slightly increased again."

Cassian fought to keep his voice even. "I said no numbers, Kay."

"Did I say any numbers?" 

He glared up at the droid, then shook his head. "No, you didn't."

K-2 observed his friend for a moment, but surprisingly didn't say a thing, which made Cassian feel guilty about snapping at K-2 on top of the mounting sense of dread he tried to keep a lid on. He had survived firefights, was captured by a garden variety of enemies, and had stared at certain death in the face, but none of that prepared him for the sense of helplessness tangled with the love he felt when he held his daughter's whole hand with just a finger. If Jyn wasn't at his side, he probably would have wept over the incubator too. 

When they arrived at the mess, he spotted the one person he hadn't expected to find: Kes Dameron, sitting at the small bar that served watered down drinks. Ah, here was something he could do for Jyn. Cassian wove his way through the crowd and approached his chair.

"Buy you a round?" he offered.

Kes turned his head and gave him a wide smile and a clap on the shoulder.

"Well, if it isn't Captain Cassian Andor. And I should be buying you guys a round. Congrats on fatherhood."

"Thanks," Cassian said as he slid on the stool next to him.

Kes was good to his word and bought Cassian a piss yellow drink. The bigger man downed half of his drink and asked, " So, how's everyone holding up?"

"Poorly," K-2 interrupted from behind them.

"Kay," Cassian hissed, then huffed, "No, he's right. It's been a rough few days, especially for Jyn."

Cassian had met with Kes before, but it was Jyn who really knew the sergeant. Once Jyn was officially a part of the Rebellion, Kes oversaw her training, but they had become good friends as well. Impressed by her skill and her drive, Kes recommended that she be assigned to the Pathfinders. She knew and told Cassian all about Kes and his wife Shara and their son Poe, which was turning out to be very useful at the moment to subtlety convince Kes to take in their daughter. Cassian leaned in on describing his daughter's fragility, even though it brought real tears to his eyes. He talked about how exhausted Jyn was and how he was doing what he could to support her. 

To his surprise, Kes asked him, "And what about you? How are you holding up?"

It was in that moment that Cassian's pride wrestled with his vulnerabilities. Cassian needed Kes to know how badly they needed to send their child to someone they at least knew and trust could keep her safe, especially Jyn. They talked lightly about it the night before, but he sensed her discomfort when he mentioned that Leia knew people who could take their child in. Jyn knew Kes well enough to propose asking for his help. Cassian  _had_ to get Kes to agree to take their daughter, even if she would be staying with his father-in-law that neither of them had met before. 

Cassian broke eye contact with Kes to stare down at the drink he barely touched. 

"You know, when Poe was born, I was an absolute mess."

"Really?" Cassian asked, genuinely incredulous. 

"I couldn't be there when he was born, so I met him a couple of weeks after, for just a few hours, and I couldn't get the waterworks to stop. And I had months to prepare, mind you. Poe was also full term. I can't even imagine what you're going through."

Another invitation to divulge feelings he didn't want to share with someone he didn't really know, but then he saw the small window of opportunity to use this to his advantage.

"It's terrifying," Cassian said in a voice low enough only for Kes to hear. "At the end of every hour I hope that she lives for the next one, and even if she does survive to live outside her incubator I don't know where I can send her to keep her safe. Our families are gone. The two friends we have outside of the Rebellion live in a temple that is constantly under attack. I can't send our daughter to an orphanage. I'd leave the Rebellion before I'd even consider that. Neither Jyn nor I want to leave the Rebellion, not when we need every person fighting right now. I don't know what to do."

Cassian knocked back the drink and squeezed his eyes closed as the alcohol left a stinging trail down his throat. When he opened his eyes, Kes sat hunched over the bar and staring at him, lines of weariness under his eyes.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to--" Cassian said, but Kes interrupted him.

"No, don't be. I'm just thinking that if I talk to Shara first and she's fine with it, your kid can stay with Poe and his grandfather once she's healthy enough to do so."

Cassian swallowed down the last of the heat in his mouth. "Thank you."

"I can't make any promises, and let's keep this quiet from Jyn until this is a done deal. That means you, K-2."

The droid's oculars swiveled to Kes. "Oh, am I a part of the conversation now? Could have fooled me."

Kes pointed a finger at K-2 and grinned.

"Perfect, just like that. I'll call Shara tonight and keep you updated in a few days. Jyn's saved my hide more than enough times, and honestly where would the rebellion be without you two? Least we can do is try and give you guys one less thing to worry about."

Cassian thanked him again and felt his shoulders blades unlock when he exhaled. They chatted for a little while longer before Cassian retreated back to his quarters. Dizziness swirled behind his eyes, but he managed to sit on his bed and lean his head back on the wall instead of blacking out this time. Cassian asked K-2 to guard the door again, but the droid ignored him and decided to step into his powercell recharging station plugged next to Cassian's desk. The man closed his eyes and waited for the world to stop wobbling.

"You really should go to the medical bay if you're feeling unwell," Kay lectured him. "What if we suddenly come under attack and you couldn't even fight back?"

"You would defend me, Kay."

"Oh I know I would, but then you wouldn't be able to defend me."

Cassian smiled and rubbed his eyes to try and get them to open. "It's just stress."

Kay was silent for a long time, but then he realized too late that he was falling asleep again. Maybe K-2 had a point.

* * *

Jyn's heart nearly burst at the sight of Cassian when she returned to their quarters with some spiced snacks in her pockets and a downloaded encyclopedia of Basic baby names in her data pad. When she was nursing earlier, Dr. Karfra recommended the encyclopedia, and thumbing through the hundreds of names actually felt exciting, like she was on a scavenger hunt for the right sound and right meaning that described everything about who their daughter might be in the future.

Cassian snored softly as she crawled next to him and set the food and data pad aside.

"How long--" Jyn started to ask K-2, but stopped when she saw that the droid had also powered down in his charger.

She turned back to look at Cassian, feeling sleepy herself. He would get a crick in his neck from sleeping too long like that, though, so she gently shook his shoulder and called his name until he jerked awake. 

"Morning," Jyn said.

His face paled. "It's morning already?"

"No," she said, holding up the data pad. "Dinner's not for another hour. But I thought we could look at baby names?"

His panicked expression softened, and he opened his arm for her. She grabbed the snacks and put them in his lap before snuggling against his side. Her ear pressed against his chest, she could hear his faint heart beat when he wasn't crunching on the green, air-puffed snacks. They scrolled through the hundreds of names with their hundreds of permutations in different languages. Jyn swooped past "Lyra," but couldn't ignore the bite of sadness in her heart. She smiled at 'Hope,' but that felt like a huge expectation to put on a child. They skimmed through names that meant "beauty" or "song" or "joyful," and found some more intricate meanings like "from the fathier's meadow" and "piles rocks by the waves." 

"Oh look," Cassian murmured when Jyn's name popped up. "It looks like your name came from the word for 'undying fire.' I'd say that's accurate."

She rolled her eyes. "Let's find your name then."

"We're looking for girl names."

Jyn snatched the data pad out of his hands and typed it in. The top search result: martyr. Jyn sucked her lips in to hold in her laugh, until Cassian elbowed her ribs and made her giggle.

"I'm not dead yet," he said, swiping the data pad back and changing it back to girl names. "My parents didn't care about name meanings anyway. They named me after my grandfather and my father."

"I don't want to name her after my mother," Jyn said sharply. "I don't even know who my grandmother was."

"Why not name her after Cassian's grandmother and mother?" K-2SO said, making both humans jump with surprise.

"How long have you been awake?" Jyn demanded.

"Oh, I've been awake this whole time, but I felt like pretending to be asleep," K-2 said as he stepped away from his recharger. "But that is a good idea, wouldn't you say?"

Jyn inhaled deeply and turned to look at Cassian. His smile reached his care-worn eyes.

"I mean, if you're all right with it, Jyn. My mother's name was Jaiia, and my grandmother's name was Belén."

"So, Belén Jaiia Erso-Andor, Belén Erso-Andor, Belén," Jyn experimented. "I like it."

"Me too," Cassian said as he squeezed Jyn's hip. "Good thinking, Kay."

"Thank you. Today has been a productive day, hasn't it? Now the baby has a new home  _and_ a new name."

"New home? What do you mean?" Jyn asked, then turned to the frozen look on Cassian's face. "What does he mean by that?"

Cassian slowly blinked before addressing her. "I met with Kes Dameron today and--"

* * *

_Meanwhile, in the office of General Davits Draven_

Draven reviewed the paperwork Andor had sent him earlier that day. It was expertly written, accurate, and an  _absolute waste of one of his best spies' abilities._  It was his own damn fault, of course. He managed to tell General Organa no to giving Andor three months of leave, but she twisted his arm for a compromise of light duty to keep him on base instead. He almost said no to that too, but then Organa showed him that holo of the infant, argued that it would detrimental to morale if it was discovered that the infant barely clinging on to life was being kept away from her father, and that Andor would be too distracted to work at his best. He argued that plenty of fathers went on fighting without seeing their kids much, some not even meeting their children until months or years after they were born. Organa went on about how this case was special. This case was special, all right: Jyn Erso was involved.

Jyn Erso would never not be a thorn in his side. He thought he'd be rid of her and keeping her away from Andor by adamantly denying her application to work in Intelligence. He thought he had made himself abundantly clear to Andor that he was not to associate with her again if he wanted to stay with Intelligence after going rogue. Not only had Andor disobeyed direct orders for months, if not years, there was now this new problem that posed a different sort of risk. Most men stayed in the Rebellion after becoming a father. Most, not all. Had Jyn Erso not been involved, there would be no question that Andor would stay. His entanglement with Jyn, however, made him dangerously unpredictable. So Draven allowed Andor to stay on base on light duty, until the infant was healthy enough to be sent away or died. While Andor was on base, there was a greater chance he could pressure him to stay with Intelligence, possibly incentivizing him by promoting him from captain to major.

But then there was Erso. Well, maybe maternal instincts would kick in and she'd take the brat with her out of the rebellion. If that were to happen, however, what could Draven do to convince Andor not to follow her?

 


End file.
